I once found a chapter in an English language text book called: ‘How to avoid saying no directly.' I burst out laughing when I saw it. Is there anything more stereotypically British?
I came across it at the language school where I used to work, where English language teachers regularly teach the art of small talk and politeness to students, mainly from Germany. Things like: how to apologize for everything and hide your true feelings – you know, the British way of life.
Although stereotypes can be overegged and unhelpful, I have to admit that I’ve definitely come across a few of them since moving to the German capital Berlin a few years ago (and faced the fact that I am very much a walking stereotype of my home country at times, too).
It’s undeniable that there are cultural differences and different ways of doing things depending on where you are in the world – and this is just as important to learn as the language.
For example, it’s true that Germans communicate more directly – believe me, you grow a thicker skin living here – and I actually think they’re quite proud of this fact. “Why not?” they’d probably reply if you asked why they always got straight to the point.
I’ve grown to quite like this because I know I’ll always hear the truth and be told if I have food in my teeth.
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Are Germans rude?
But there are some aspects of everyday life in Germany I can’t get to grips with no matter how hard I try.
Take the lack of eye contact, customer service and general human connection between strangers here in Deutschland.
I've lost count of the amount of times I’ve had a door slammed in my face because the person in front of me didn’t hold it open. Similarly, I rarely receive a smile, a “Danke” or even a nod when I hold the door open for others.
Seraphine Peries, a freelance German and English teacher in Berlin who includes cultural teaching in her lessons, tells The Local many of her non-German students feel it's difficult to make connections with others in Germany, perhaps because of this tough outer shell that many people seem to have.
"A lot of people say it’s hard to get to know Germans," she says. Yet once you do get past the initial toughness, I've found German people to be some of the most loveliest and supportive people I know.
So what does it take to get some eye contact in Germany? Are people going out of their way to be unfriendly or disconnected to strangers? Are Germans needlessly rude – or what's going on?
Let’s look at some other situations: I actually think going to the supermarket is some kind of cruel game for the non-German.
Paying for food at the supermarket can be stressful. Photo: DPA
I’ve been ignored by shop workers when I’ve asked where the tomato sauce is, sighed at for handing over a €20 note to pay for my €3.17 bill (who knows what would happen if it were a €50 note) and stared at with sheer contempt for taking too long to find my wallet or pack my shopping bags.
Then there's that stressful moment when a new till opens up and other customers behind you run in front like the world is about to end, without even acknowledging that there's a queue.
If someone is that desperate to go in front of me, I don't mind letting them do it, but please just ask me first!
Quite frequently I leave stores feeling a mix of shame and annoyance.
It would be unfair to tar all shops with the same brush (and even my local store has its good days) but there definitely seems to be an unwillingness to engage and to check in on each other in Germany.
This kind of behaviour is also evident in some cafes and restaurants where you will struggle to get a thank you from a waiter or waitress sometimes, let alone a smile.
I’m at the stage where I get nervous to ask for a glass of tap water in some places for fear of the server staring at me like I have spat in their face (Leitungswasser is not regularly given out in Germany).
Frankfurt Oder-born Peries says the situation is known to be worse in the capital where attitudes are generally a bit harsher (perhaps it’s made worse by the addition of the famous Berliner Schnauzer which keeps you on your toes).
“In my experience Berlin is ruder than the rest of Germany,” Peries tells The Local. “In Brandenburg (the state outside Berlin), for example, I’m always surprised how nice people are there. They wish you a nice day or say something about their day.”
It's fair to say there are a variety of experiences out there. But it's not just me. Plenty of my foreign friends across Germany have experienced similar encounters, while Google searches bring up tons of message boards with lots of perplexed foreigners asking why they can’t get a smile in the supermarket in their town or city.
But are us cheery-faced non-Germans going about this the wrong way? Do we have to change our way of thinking?
Peries says it’s well-known among locals that customer service can be nonexistent at times, so it definitely shouldn't be taken personally.
“Even Germans complain that there is not good service in Germany,” she says.
Peries brings up the saying “Servicewüste Deutschland”, which translates to “service desert”, meaning a complete lack of good customer service.
But Peries argues that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
“I think in America and other places if you’re not all smiles then you can easily lose your job because there’s this ‘firing culture,'" she says. “But I think in Germany we don’t have that so much.
"People know they will keep their job even if they’re a bit rude sometimes. So if they’re nice to you then they mean it. But they don’t need to be as nice to you as in Great Britain or America because they are safer in their job.”
READ ALSO: How dropping the small talk helped me make friends with Germans
This results in, Peries argues, more sincere interactions.
Good customer service isn't guaranteed in Germany. Photo: DPA
'Thank you, driver'
This can only be positive. Restaurant workers are there to serve us food and drink, not keep customers entertained. Still, I can’t help thinking that Germans might actually enjoy it if they got involved in a little more friendly banter day-to-day.
In Aberdeen, the city in Scotland where I’m from, people say: “Thank you, driver” when they’re getting off the bus. Cashiers, as well as cafe and restaurant servers, will often ask you how your day is going, what you’re doing later on, or they might even inquire what you’ve been buying at the shops.
A complete stranger might stop and have a chat with you for no particular reason at all. Note that this happens in cities, not just in the countryside with smaller populations.
These little interactions can help make you feel warm inside on days where you’re feeling a bit down. They help you remember that you are a part of the world or the community.
For many people who don't have family nearby or don't go to an office regularly, this public small talk could be lifesaving.
So do Germans just not get small talk?
The fact there is no exact translation of "small talk" from English to German is telling. One of the translations – oberflächliche Konversation, meaning superficial conversation, signals how this concept is viewed here: a bit meaningless.
But Peries says it comes down to the different way of communicating in Germany: if someone starts a conversation with you, they want to talk to you and get to know you.
That's not always the case with English-language small talk: sometimes it's just polite to ask someone how they are, even if you don't care about the answer.
Cafe culture in Stuttgart. Photo: DPA
"I think for Germans it’s hard for them to realize that small talk is a thing on its own and it’s not used to get to know someone better," says Peries. "When I lived in the UK people would ask how my day was and then they’d leave the room and I’d think: 'I haven’t even answered yet.'"
And if cashiers and restaurant servers began talking to customers in a more intimate way, then a German person might feel that they were being favoured.
"If somebody did small talk with me I'd feel like the person liked me more than the other customers," says Peries.
But if there's one topic that's guaranteed to get everyone talking, it's the weather.
"Germans really do like to complain about the weather," says Peries.
On that note, perhaps we're not so different after all.
Now we want to hear YOUR experiences. Do you have anything to say on the topic of cultural differences? What's it been like in Germany compared to your home country? Any surprises or do you want to get something off your chest? Tell us by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll get in touch with you or include your story in an upcoming article.